Do vibrators break your pussy?

“Won’t this make my clit less sensitive though?”. 

During my time as a Sex Toy Specialist, this question was undoubtedly one of the ones I was asked the most. Whether they were buying toys alone, with a partner, for the 1st time or the 40th time. Without fail, at least once a day a customer would share their worries that the reason they weren’t having good sex was because of their use of toys. 

Now, to clarify:

Sex toys do not desensitise your body long term. They just don’t. End of conversation, no questions, not open to suggestions. It is, however, an understandable concern. 

The narrative surrounding female sexuality is, and has always been, controlled by men. We’ve certainly come a long way since wanting your fair share of orgasms had you burned on the stake (I wouldn’t have lasted a day honestly), but even in the age of sex influencers and your favourite actors having affiliate codes for 15% off your next mind-shattering orgasm, we’re still dealing with the age-old argument “well if you didn’t buzz your clit off every chance you got I WOULD be able to make you cum”.

“But Jamie, if it’s not true why do so many people think it is?” I hear you ask.

Well, ultimately the idea that the consistent use of a vibrator means that you won’t be able to cum without one is based on both a general lack of understanding of both sex toys and/or vulval anatomy, and just a lack of fucking effort some people want to make when it comes to rocking the world of vagina owners. 

Both of these are societal, on the one hand it seems as though despite all the effort being made to understand and educate people on the ins and outs (pun intended) of genuinely good sex, we’re still fighting against what’s “appropriate” to teach and be taught. On the other hand, in a world filled with Bellesacos, there’s just as many balding men with tiny dicks, a Tiktok account and an opinion they simply must  share (I fear if I go to the effort of naming one I’ll lose brain cells). 

To answer the first question in a less heavy-breathing-from-frustiton style way, using a vibrator can cause some temporary numbness, this much is true. Vibrators basically shake your nerve endings, this in turn feels bloody fabulous, you give yourself multiple orgasms and drift off to sleep to the sound of your solo-sex playlist (please don’t tell me if I’m alone in having one I can’t cope with it). Subsequently, when you’re giving your nerves a hand in the happy dance, there can be some numbness when you hit the off button for the final time that night. It’s like when you’re trying to cram in lots of last minute information all at once for a test or presentation; eventually, your brain can’t take any more stimulation for a little bit. 

But, much like how if you give yourself an hour  to have a coffee and impassively scroll Instagram, you’ll be able to keep cramming, you’ll always regain the same level of feeling in your clit. In recent studies looking into the loss of clitoral nerve sensitivity over decades of time, it was found that only 1-3% of those who consistently used vibrators experienced any desensitisation later in life.

Interestingly, this was the same amount of people who never used vibrators. 

It’s also very common for things like menopause, birth control or medications such as sertraline to have an effect on both sensitivity and an ability to orgasm. So why do so many people think it’s the little bullet’s fault?

This brings us, unfortunately, back to the gorillas with an internet connection. In a world where it’s somehow culturally accepted that the clit is hard to find, I don’t think it’s too far a hop, skip and a jump to think that perhaps any item which has the ability to make someone cum in less than 5 minutes would be demonised. 

Me thinks there is a level of insecurity here. 

Whether or not we want to admit it, if you’re into sex, you want to be good at it. You want people, whether it be your partner of 30 years or your perfectly crafted roster of gorgeous individuals, to tell you that your back arches like the devil, or give spine-meltingly amazing head. It’s an ego booster, it’s a compliment, it makes us feel good. So when your partner suggests adding a new member to your team in a beautiful low frequency and silicone wrapped package, maybe there is a world where I can see where a flash of insecurity might pop up.

However, it’s important to remember that sex, more than anything, is about communication. It’s about sharing your desires and needs with your partner and having them share them in return. It’s about trust. 

To me, the fact that the idea that vibrators make giving pleasure harder for men is mainly something you hear either from men, or people with cis-het partners, shows that perhaps this is less about medical fact and more about a lack of desire from certain types of men to learn their partner’s bodies and take the time to give them pleasure. If you can’t come in 2 minutes from some furious finger-fucking with an occasional graze of the labia (I mean clit, that’s definitely the clit babe and it feels fucking amazing), you’re broken. If you suggest introducing a wand that can hit more nerve endings than touch physically can, it’s actually because you think they’re bad at sex. 

There is a chance of developing a mental attachment to sex toys, but this is linked to your brain rather than your body. If you’re used to your suction toy making your legs shake in 3 minutes then having sex without it might seem difficult because it will naturally take longer, but this is completely fine too. For many people the lack of ability to orgasm without a helping hand is the norm, me being one of them. And if you are worried that you’re developing a mental dependence, I would say to try and remember that there’s no shame in it taking you longer to cum without a toy, or cum at all. As long as you’re getting yours, who really cares how you get there?

But if it is about insecurity, how can we possibly navigate introducing toys into the bedroom if you decide to take the plunge. Do we just balls-to-the-wall declare that you’re using this and they’re welcome to get involved? Research together to see if there’s something you both think will work? Or just ask and never mention it again if the reaction is less than favourable?

If you’re asking me, I just balls-to-the-wall it. I have so many toys and a condition that makes cumming difficult so it’s either I use ‘em or I spend the hour thinking about what I’m having for dinner in-between oral. But I’ve also been blessed to always have partners who were as excited for my newest Ultra-clit-sucker-4001, so I can also appreciate that it’s not always that easy. I have, however, spoken to thousands of people who’ve shared from all different positions about this topic, and if you want my opinion, an easy way to navigate the topic of toys is to present it in an honest, fun and open way. 

Presenting toys to someone as something fun for you both to try can help bring the narrative away from the lines of it filling in for a lack of skill of the game of Where’s Clitty?. And if your partner is someone who is really against toys, whether because they either believe it’ll make your sex life worse, or that your desire to use them means you already think it’s bad, then I suppose the best advice I could give would be to remember that there’s nothing shameful about self exploration, and struggling to cum without a little buzzing boost is incredible common and exceedingly normal. 

You’re not broken. You haven’t done anything to your body. Sometimes it’s just the way it is.

Ultimately, to bring it all back to the original question, vibrators don’t break your pussy. In itself, the topic of toys in the bedroom is one which we’re still trying to bring the cis-het men around to. I hope that by simply educating ourselves as vulva owners on the best way to stimulate our beautiful anatomy, that it will allow us to bring the importance of our pleasure, in whatever way we can get it, into the forefront of the conversation surrounding sex. 

But just remember, the next time you hear someone tell you that your bullet is bad for you, scream from the top of your lungs “NO THE FUCK IT ISN’T”.